winter solstice

There is one more week to go for winter solstice. It have been a bit more important day what it's right now. The year begings to crawl slowly to the light. I like the idea of the darkest day of the year. A promise to get back to the summer, when life is full of light. When I thought about this, I remembered this CMX song, from Aura-album, where is song called Talvipäivänseisaus. It's really dark story about losing love, losing life and in the end of the song this woman whispers:

Kädet tuntuu vierailta, silmät toisen omilta, ajatukset kuluneilta, sanat poikki sanotuilta. Miksi lähdit, miksi menit, rajan taakse ulkopuoleen, kauas luota ihmismaiden, vuoren juurelle pois.

Somehow, sometimes I kept on thinking this one. Is it because of dying that people lose power to live, or is it really a story made for our generation. Dying nowadays is something so scary and a living taboo to talk about deads. At least in Finland. There is only honour for the bygones, but we're this big amount of love which loses an object. Does it mean that love in the world is getting more and more limited and in the end that power-meter is empty. Or is there a stable amount of it anyway? Or if my close one dies, do I start to love more the other people around? With love, this time I mean a love towards people, like: mom, dad, granny, sisters, brothers, friends and so on. Nothing do to with love-love (which is pretty overrated love-section anyway, at least if you think how much good these family-friends loves have given to you.)

I have not seen dead person myself. I have seen my uncle (who died in age 33) in pains and nearly dead. I am not sure whether I saw him on his last day, but in one night he just get a attack and died either in a way to hospital or in hospital. I think, it was a day when our family moved to new house, quite near to Granny's (2km). We talked some day with mom, that maybe our uncle waited everything to be ok with the family (I bet, he loved us, the kids, like I love my little cousins: Emma and Ella).

The other time when dying got close to me was 1½ years ago, when my Latvian friend (who died in age 24) decided to drive too fastly with the car in the lightly summernight. I did hear it quite late, I was sad and angry (WHY?! we talked about his driving habits before). I know where he is buried, but I havent have time to get to the grave. Last xmas I lighted a candle for his memory in my childhood-villages graveyeard, on the place where you can leave a candle for those, who have been buried to some other places. I bet, in next weeks sunday, I take a car and drive back there in the middle of the night, and let the light come into the dark winter night.

Most talkable bygone person in our family is still Markku, my uncle (father's brother), who died in the age of 2. By drowning to a water tub, which wasn't full, just a bit of water. My granny have been telling her pain - when she found the lifeless body from there. And the fact, that this kid is always the first thought in her mind in the mornings, and a last before sleeping. I have seen a pictures of white baby in a coffin, it was normal to take a pictures from dead's on those times. And its also a fact, that there wasn't any picture of this little beautiful fella otherwise.

I don't know is it a normal to talk about bygone's in other families, but I think, these people, who I haven't even met, are part of me. Part of my family. And sometimes I miss my uncle yelling me (me, a kid age of 5) that dont cry there. Come here or go to see granny to upstairs. I was scared being alone in my aunties room, but it was warming and helping, when I knew that he was listening. Though he was already so sick that he couldnt move much. My granny was super, she take care of both - my granpa, who died in 70's, and then uncle.

Why I wrote today about dying? I don't know. I was listening Ryan Adam's Jacksonville City NIghts, which is really high emotional album with some country ballads. And then I thought about Winter Solstice, which is the darkest day in the year. But I remembered that I have found a light from my family on those days. I think you should meet them, if you haven't: I count to my closest family all my 5 sisters + boyfriends, mostly, my brother, my parents, my granny (mom's), my auntie, my two uncles, my uncles wife and two lovable kids. So... in total 20 people + me.

Otherwise, School has ended, I have one small thing to do for monday, when we have an last ensemble: singing songs, playing, eating some snacks, drinking xmas drinks. Like in preminaly school ;) I was looking for notes for some xmas song which my friends father has made. But I didn't. Maybe need to write from the head. If you know any traditional xmas song (meaning, words and composition trad.) can you give me hints. It would be nice as well.

Haha, and one more thing. It's nice that I can listen country-music and no-one is not complaining in the next room. Sometimes Kalle even listens Johnny Cash by himself. So greetings to my fabulous Helsinki-flatmates. ;)